Wednesday, November 10, 2010

critical

This was on the list of defects I posted a while ago.  I am often critical.  I know this and I know it has impacted my relationships, both intimate and otherwise, adversely over the years.

It was good to read that being critical/judgemental is an overcompensation for defectiveness.

I've got an interesting relationship with this tendency - on one hand I want to defend it, on the other I feel ashamed of it.  I have a well developed pitch as to why being critical is a good thing, including being transparent(as opposed to talking behind others backs), giving the feedback needed to improve etc.  Truth is I think I have a right to express less than positive views (after all I also say good stuff too) and if others can't cope then that's their issue.  Not pretty huh?  And not smart.

Every so often I see cleary the results of my criticalness, in acquaintances that withdraw, and recently in my work environment.  I feel horrible about myself when this happens.  It brings up all my "I'm a bad person" shamefulness.  Yet, I keep doing it. 

I've been cogitating on this since a conversation with my boss yesterday.  I was about to make a comment about one of my colleagues not doing one of his tasks well, and prefaced it by saying "I know you think I'm critical but...".  My boss (who is lovely) piped up and said "No, I don't have a problem with you being critical.  It's the being snarky.  The self-destructive stuff".   Wow.  It was full-on but good. 

What occurred to me is that criticalness is part of my normative way of operating.  Because I spend so much time judging myself and berating myself it's just standard.  I accept it for myself so I don't quite grasp why other people react so strongly to it.  That made me kind of sad for myself, for my vulnerable child who has never been well supported and nurtured.  Just a steady stream of "you're not good enough". 

I think I'm going to target this criticalness for behavioral pattern-breaking.  It's an ideal candidate really.  The trick is, I need to work on two fronts - criticalness of myself, which mostly happens in my head (although I do verbalise at times) and criticalness of others, which is expressed publically.  It's both thinking and doing.  This is going to be tricky - working on changing thoughts and behaviours at the same time. 

I'll work out a plan and put it in my next post.

Monday, November 8, 2010

in the past month

I've been AWOL for just over a month.  This is a pattern for me, start something up then let it go.  Now I can beat myself up for giving up or slink back with my tail between my legs.

Hello.

Plagued by a rampant libido, I've been madly looking for a lover online, no success as yet.

I'm seeing the psychology fortnightly.  It's good.  We've done some experiential stuff.  Getting me more in touch with the writing ball of anxiety that lives in my gut.  The protective wall of muscle around it.  The fear inside it. 

In previous posts I've talked about being in and out of my child and adult modes.  I had gotten used to recognising them and being able to step back.  But for the past few weeks the 'critical parent' has been driving the bus and I've been spending a lot of time berating and hating myself. 

I've slipped into drinking too much alcohol (one of my most popular avoidance, self-medication strategies) so have had to take that in hand. 

Work, which had previously been my haven, isn't feeling good either.  I have no idea whether this is because of me, because of it, or a little of both. 

Recently someone told me I should seriously explore the possibility of having a baby instead of spending my time miserable about it.  From what I read the chances are next to zero. Nonetheless I am going to follow it through, working on the principle of "what's the worst that can happen". 

I'm all over the place at the moment. I don't know my own mind.  It's no fun.