the rotten core

Doing this work is an emotional rollercoaster.  For almost a week I've felt good but the downswing prior was excruciating.  One evening after going out to drinks with work colleagues I bottomed out.  In the midst of it tried to find words to describe my feelings.  The only one I could muster was disgusted. 

Disgusted with myself. 

Now, feeling fine, I am quite shocked by this.  Language gives the experience form.  And it seems the form of my feelings was revulsion at myself.  How awful that I have been living with well of self-loathing inside.  How sad that a long time ago, before I had words, I came to perceive myself this way. 

And ever since then I have struggled with this self-designated rotten core. 

Now I am finding the words for it.  It was a relief to pick up Reinventing Your Life and find someone else's words describing how I felt.  Those words have helped me understand... and accept. 

Now my experience has a name - defectiveness - and someone is helping me find ways to let it go.