just like that

A week ago I posted something I'd written a couple of weeks ago about the yearning I felt for the last person I had an intimate relationship with, and this is what I said:

"I have urges to contact him, just to talk of course, to find out his take on the latest political goings-on or suchlike. I don't. Now. I did for a few weeks after it all went pear shaped, but after the last passive-aggressive response I stopped for good. I still get the urge to though."

Well... a few days ago the strangest thing happened.  I contacted him.  Just like that.  Without even thinking about it, I sent him a one liner email asking what he thought about the election results. 

Then yesterday I re-read the post from last week and the two tonne penny dropped.  WTF?  How easy it is for these maladaptive urges to drive my self-defeating behaviour, bypassing my better judgement and picking up a feebleminded rationalisation on way. 

How does this happen when only days earlier I was patting myself on the back for not acting on these exact urges.  Am I asleep at the wheel?  Is someone else driving?  I am gobsmacked at the sheer unconsciousness of it all and wonder what I means for me in working to get rid of my schema perpetuating behaviours. 

Tips anyone?

yearning

The last romantic encounter I had, the meltdown of which gave rise to me taking up this therapy, lasted grand total of six weeks.  You would wonder then why, two months later, I still find myself pining for him.  I have urges to contact him, just to talk of course, to find out his take on the latest political goings-on or suchlike.  I don't.  Now.  I did for a few weeks after it all went pear shaped, but after the last passive-aggressive response I stopped for good.  I still get the urge to though.

Seeing this pining as activation of my emotional deprivation is valuable.  I understand that what I have felt since it happened is not so much about him or what went on between us, but is (forgive the analogy) the scab being picked off my deprivation wound.

Harder to get my head around though is the reality that my choices created this situation.  Yes, it was him that pursued me but I: a) became intimate too fast, unleashing my strong need for physical contact on someone who needed a slower pace; b) didn't talk to him about this and other potential consequences of physical intimacy before the fact; c) mindlessly reacted to his pacing behaviours with contact seeking; d) lost my temper at what I misunderstood as a sign of rejection; e) chased after him when he angrily withdrew; f) blamed myself for all of it; g) continue to yearn. 

This my friends is schema reinforcement.