emotional masturbation

I had pondering the wisdom of internet dating while doing this work.  Initially I thought I should shut that door while I 'undertake renovations' but I found myself drawn back.  Given that our maladaptive schemas play out so strongly in our intimate relationships, I saw the logic of staying in the game to work though stuff as it gets activated. 

A few weeks ago, a had a couple of first meetings with internet people.  I also got matched up with a colleague by a colleague.  One of the internet ones was vaguely promising, the other was so very not my cup of tea.  Mr Colleague, nice bloke.  However, we were out with a group of people for drinks and after a while I found myself retreating, talking to others, insteading sticking close and turning up the flirt.  He ended up leaving before me.

It took me a good two weeks to work out that I just don't have the psychic energy to engage with potential new boyfriends.  Hell I can't even muster flirtation.  And... I'm as vulnerable as a turtle without its shell.  I spend so much time with my schemas activated that opening myself to the possibility of intimacy is asking for all sorts of trouble. 

Interestingly even after deciding to give up blokes for a while, I kept being drawn back to 'just looking' at the internet dating site.  I felt compelled to browse those pages of men and ponder "maybe he's the one, maybe we'll fall in love".  Like scratching an itch.  Then it dawned on me, that this was my very own emotional masturbation.  Unable to cope with the notion of being alone, without intimacy, I sat in front of the computer and satiated my yearning with the fantasies of potential love.  In technical terms, avoiding my emotional deprivation. 

The upshot is I've stopped.  Gone cold turkey from the site.  That escape hatch is now closed.  

What this lets me do is come to terms with being alone.  To accept my life without intimate love.  To deal with all that this brings up for me.  And learn how to be okay with that, not resigned, but okay. 

fantasy, the ultimate avoidance

It was in reading Steven Carter and Julia Sokol's books that I came to recognise that fantasy played a huge part in life.  They talk about how fantasising about idealised partners and relationships is a reversion point for commitmentphobes that maintains their unrealistic expectations of real life relating.  This is so true.  There are a multitude of people out there convinced that the only reason they haven't yet experienced a deep, loving, long-term partnership is because Ms or Mr Right is yet to enter their orbit.  When you arrive at the realisation that there is no such person, you're on the way.

Now, undertaking this therapy, I am looking at my patterns more intently I am somewhat surprised at the amount time I spend in fantasy about desired (and often idealised) outcomes.  Obviously a lot of these have been around relationships but (and this is what has surprised me most) many are about work and other life domains. 

I suspect fantasy was an early emerging coping mechanism for me.  When you can't get your needs met in real life, you can make yourself feel good by living out your hoped for ideal future in your mind.   It really is the ultimate avoidance, you get to escape your reality and get an emotional dose of fulfilled desire.

Obviously fantasy, in the mode of visualisation can be useful - because it's being used to create the motivation to pursue adaptive life goals.  But that's different to what I'm talking about which is akin to a mental masturbation, which leaves you feeling temporarily satiated but doesn't serve to get you any closer to realising your desired life outcomes.  In fact, it does the opposite. 

I am now being more aware of lapsing into fantasy and stopping it.  I hope it will help with my procrastination and help me do, rather than just thinking about doing, a bit more.