in the past month

I've been AWOL for just over a month.  This is a pattern for me, start something up then let it go.  Now I can beat myself up for giving up or slink back with my tail between my legs.

Hello.

Plagued by a rampant libido, I've been madly looking for a lover online, no success as yet.

I'm seeing the psychology fortnightly.  It's good.  We've done some experiential stuff.  Getting me more in touch with the writing ball of anxiety that lives in my gut.  The protective wall of muscle around it.  The fear inside it. 

In previous posts I've talked about being in and out of my child and adult modes.  I had gotten used to recognising them and being able to step back.  But for the past few weeks the 'critical parent' has been driving the bus and I've been spending a lot of time berating and hating myself. 

I've slipped into drinking too much alcohol (one of my most popular avoidance, self-medication strategies) so have had to take that in hand. 

Work, which had previously been my haven, isn't feeling good either.  I have no idea whether this is because of me, because of it, or a little of both. 

Recently someone told me I should seriously explore the possibility of having a baby instead of spending my time miserable about it.  From what I read the chances are next to zero. Nonetheless I am going to follow it through, working on the principle of "what's the worst that can happen". 

I'm all over the place at the moment. I don't know my own mind.  It's no fun.

emotional masturbation

I had pondering the wisdom of internet dating while doing this work.  Initially I thought I should shut that door while I 'undertake renovations' but I found myself drawn back.  Given that our maladaptive schemas play out so strongly in our intimate relationships, I saw the logic of staying in the game to work though stuff as it gets activated. 

A few weeks ago, a had a couple of first meetings with internet people.  I also got matched up with a colleague by a colleague.  One of the internet ones was vaguely promising, the other was so very not my cup of tea.  Mr Colleague, nice bloke.  However, we were out with a group of people for drinks and after a while I found myself retreating, talking to others, insteading sticking close and turning up the flirt.  He ended up leaving before me.

It took me a good two weeks to work out that I just don't have the psychic energy to engage with potential new boyfriends.  Hell I can't even muster flirtation.  And... I'm as vulnerable as a turtle without its shell.  I spend so much time with my schemas activated that opening myself to the possibility of intimacy is asking for all sorts of trouble. 

Interestingly even after deciding to give up blokes for a while, I kept being drawn back to 'just looking' at the internet dating site.  I felt compelled to browse those pages of men and ponder "maybe he's the one, maybe we'll fall in love".  Like scratching an itch.  Then it dawned on me, that this was my very own emotional masturbation.  Unable to cope with the notion of being alone, without intimacy, I sat in front of the computer and satiated my yearning with the fantasies of potential love.  In technical terms, avoiding my emotional deprivation. 

The upshot is I've stopped.  Gone cold turkey from the site.  That escape hatch is now closed.  

What this lets me do is come to terms with being alone.  To accept my life without intimate love.  To deal with all that this brings up for me.  And learn how to be okay with that, not resigned, but okay. 

fantasy, the ultimate avoidance

It was in reading Steven Carter and Julia Sokol's books that I came to recognise that fantasy played a huge part in life.  They talk about how fantasising about idealised partners and relationships is a reversion point for commitmentphobes that maintains their unrealistic expectations of real life relating.  This is so true.  There are a multitude of people out there convinced that the only reason they haven't yet experienced a deep, loving, long-term partnership is because Ms or Mr Right is yet to enter their orbit.  When you arrive at the realisation that there is no such person, you're on the way.

Now, undertaking this therapy, I am looking at my patterns more intently I am somewhat surprised at the amount time I spend in fantasy about desired (and often idealised) outcomes.  Obviously a lot of these have been around relationships but (and this is what has surprised me most) many are about work and other life domains. 

I suspect fantasy was an early emerging coping mechanism for me.  When you can't get your needs met in real life, you can make yourself feel good by living out your hoped for ideal future in your mind.   It really is the ultimate avoidance, you get to escape your reality and get an emotional dose of fulfilled desire.

Obviously fantasy, in the mode of visualisation can be useful - because it's being used to create the motivation to pursue adaptive life goals.  But that's different to what I'm talking about which is akin to a mental masturbation, which leaves you feeling temporarily satiated but doesn't serve to get you any closer to realising your desired life outcomes.  In fact, it does the opposite. 

I am now being more aware of lapsing into fantasy and stopping it.  I hope it will help with my procrastination and help me do, rather than just thinking about doing, a bit more.

schema manifestations

Schemas manifest themselves through our thoughts, feelings and behaviours, in the ways that we cope with their toxic effects.  Young and colleagues refer to these as coping styles.  As with many other psychological phenomena, behaviour is usually the easiest symptom to read. There are three ways of coping with maladaptive schemas - surrender, avoidance and overcompensation.  Surrender is giving in to your beliefs about yourself and acting in ways that reinforce them.  Avoidance occurs when you act to stop the feelings your schema creates.  Overcompensation is channelling large amounts of energy into acting against what your schema tells you about yourself.  They're not mutually exclusive, you can swap from one to the other, or do a bit of each. 

One of the early schema therapy exercises is to examine your behaviour for all the ways in which your schemas mainfest themselves.  Below is the list I drew up with elaboration of some items, its a conglomeration of surrender, avoidance and overcompensation strategies and I them I see manifestations of my defectiveness, emotional deprivation and failure.

1. Alcohol - this has been my demon and it operates in a number of ways.  First it is an escape from feeling awful about myself.  Second, after I get very drunk I have strong feelings of shame.  Third, it handicaps me, disrupting my sleep, muddying my thoughts and making it hard to do the things I want to do, thus reinforcing feelings of failure.
2. Being judgemental and critical - both of myself as well as others.  I can see as clear as day that this drives people away, but I still do it. 
3. Spend inordinate amounts of time fantasising about idealised scenarios, in work, in love life. 
4. Trying hard to prove I'm okay - even the outcomes of small tasks become means of making me feel that I'm not a bad person.  Two of my big adulthood achievements (finishing PhD and running marathon) were also these try-hard efforts.  Somehow I thought my identity would change for the better after doing these but the effect was short-lived. 
5. Passive aggressive e.g. late (especially with my family), unreliable, withholding.
6. Angry outbursts, being unconscious of my impact on others, or not caring.
7. Failing to make my needs/preferences known (being 'easygoing') then being passively resentful.
8. Don't begin or complete tasks that would give me satisfaction.  Procrastinate, don't follow through on plans.
9. Being drawn to withholding people most particularly in my intimate life.
10. Put others up on a pedestal, seeking their validation.
11. Dissociate, sometimes unconsciously, othertimes through compulsive self-soothing behaviours (I've got a whole repetoire of these).
12. Scapegoat passive people - this one is very scary as I can see myself doing it but it's like no matter how hard I try I can't stop myself.  I did it to a lovely man I dated earlier this year - it was ugly and distressing.
13. Get very attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or not particularly validating.
14. Am hypersensitive to perceived signs of exclusion and rejection.  Brings up a lot of anxiety and compulsion to close the distance. 

I'm sure there are plenty more where those came from.  I'll come back and edit this as they come to mind.