critical

This was on the list of defects I posted a while ago.  I am often critical.  I know this and I know it has impacted my relationships, both intimate and otherwise, adversely over the years.

It was good to read that being critical/judgemental is an overcompensation for defectiveness.

I've got an interesting relationship with this tendency - on one hand I want to defend it, on the other I feel ashamed of it.  I have a well developed pitch as to why being critical is a good thing, including being transparent(as opposed to talking behind others backs), giving the feedback needed to improve etc.  Truth is I think I have a right to express less than positive views (after all I also say good stuff too) and if others can't cope then that's their issue.  Not pretty huh?  And not smart.

Every so often I see cleary the results of my criticalness, in acquaintances that withdraw, and recently in my work environment.  I feel horrible about myself when this happens.  It brings up all my "I'm a bad person" shamefulness.  Yet, I keep doing it. 

I've been cogitating on this since a conversation with my boss yesterday.  I was about to make a comment about one of my colleagues not doing one of his tasks well, and prefaced it by saying "I know you think I'm critical but...".  My boss (who is lovely) piped up and said "No, I don't have a problem with you being critical.  It's the being snarky.  The self-destructive stuff".   Wow.  It was full-on but good. 

What occurred to me is that criticalness is part of my normative way of operating.  Because I spend so much time judging myself and berating myself it's just standard.  I accept it for myself so I don't quite grasp why other people react so strongly to it.  That made me kind of sad for myself, for my vulnerable child who has never been well supported and nurtured.  Just a steady stream of "you're not good enough". 

I think I'm going to target this criticalness for behavioral pattern-breaking.  It's an ideal candidate really.  The trick is, I need to work on two fronts - criticalness of myself, which mostly happens in my head (although I do verbalise at times) and criticalness of others, which is expressed publically.  It's both thinking and doing.  This is going to be tricky - working on changing thoughts and behaviours at the same time. 

I'll work out a plan and put it in my next post.

schema manifestations

Schemas manifest themselves through our thoughts, feelings and behaviours, in the ways that we cope with their toxic effects.  Young and colleagues refer to these as coping styles.  As with many other psychological phenomena, behaviour is usually the easiest symptom to read. There are three ways of coping with maladaptive schemas - surrender, avoidance and overcompensation.  Surrender is giving in to your beliefs about yourself and acting in ways that reinforce them.  Avoidance occurs when you act to stop the feelings your schema creates.  Overcompensation is channelling large amounts of energy into acting against what your schema tells you about yourself.  They're not mutually exclusive, you can swap from one to the other, or do a bit of each. 

One of the early schema therapy exercises is to examine your behaviour for all the ways in which your schemas mainfest themselves.  Below is the list I drew up with elaboration of some items, its a conglomeration of surrender, avoidance and overcompensation strategies and I them I see manifestations of my defectiveness, emotional deprivation and failure.

1. Alcohol - this has been my demon and it operates in a number of ways.  First it is an escape from feeling awful about myself.  Second, after I get very drunk I have strong feelings of shame.  Third, it handicaps me, disrupting my sleep, muddying my thoughts and making it hard to do the things I want to do, thus reinforcing feelings of failure.
2. Being judgemental and critical - both of myself as well as others.  I can see as clear as day that this drives people away, but I still do it. 
3. Spend inordinate amounts of time fantasising about idealised scenarios, in work, in love life. 
4. Trying hard to prove I'm okay - even the outcomes of small tasks become means of making me feel that I'm not a bad person.  Two of my big adulthood achievements (finishing PhD and running marathon) were also these try-hard efforts.  Somehow I thought my identity would change for the better after doing these but the effect was short-lived. 
5. Passive aggressive e.g. late (especially with my family), unreliable, withholding.
6. Angry outbursts, being unconscious of my impact on others, or not caring.
7. Failing to make my needs/preferences known (being 'easygoing') then being passively resentful.
8. Don't begin or complete tasks that would give me satisfaction.  Procrastinate, don't follow through on plans.
9. Being drawn to withholding people most particularly in my intimate life.
10. Put others up on a pedestal, seeking their validation.
11. Dissociate, sometimes unconsciously, othertimes through compulsive self-soothing behaviours (I've got a whole repetoire of these).
12. Scapegoat passive people - this one is very scary as I can see myself doing it but it's like no matter how hard I try I can't stop myself.  I did it to a lovely man I dated earlier this year - it was ugly and distressing.
13. Get very attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or not particularly validating.
14. Am hypersensitive to perceived signs of exclusion and rejection.  Brings up a lot of anxiety and compulsion to close the distance. 

I'm sure there are plenty more where those came from.  I'll come back and edit this as they come to mind.