I've been AWOL for just over a month. This is a pattern for me, start something up then let it go. Now I can beat myself up for giving up or slink back with my tail between my legs.
Hello.
Plagued by a rampant libido, I've been madly looking for a lover online, no success as yet.
I'm seeing the psychology fortnightly. It's good. We've done some experiential stuff. Getting me more in touch with the writing ball of anxiety that lives in my gut. The protective wall of muscle around it. The fear inside it.
In previous posts I've talked about being in and out of my child and adult modes. I had gotten used to recognising them and being able to step back. But for the past few weeks the 'critical parent' has been driving the bus and I've been spending a lot of time berating and hating myself.
I've slipped into drinking too much alcohol (one of my most popular avoidance, self-medication strategies) so have had to take that in hand.
Work, which had previously been my haven, isn't feeling good either. I have no idea whether this is because of me, because of it, or a little of both.
Recently someone told me I should seriously explore the possibility of having a baby instead of spending my time miserable about it. From what I read the chances are next to zero. Nonetheless I am going to follow it through, working on the principle of "what's the worst that can happen".
I'm all over the place at the moment. I don't know my own mind. It's no fun.
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