the rotten core

Doing this work is an emotional rollercoaster.  For almost a week I've felt good but the downswing prior was excruciating.  One evening after going out to drinks with work colleagues I bottomed out.  In the midst of it tried to find words to describe my feelings.  The only one I could muster was disgusted. 

Disgusted with myself. 

Now, feeling fine, I am quite shocked by this.  Language gives the experience form.  And it seems the form of my feelings was revulsion at myself.  How awful that I have been living with well of self-loathing inside.  How sad that a long time ago, before I had words, I came to perceive myself this way. 

And ever since then I have struggled with this self-designated rotten core. 

Now I am finding the words for it.  It was a relief to pick up Reinventing Your Life and find someone else's words describing how I felt.  Those words have helped me understand... and accept. 

Now my experience has a name - defectiveness - and someone is helping me find ways to let it go. 

emotional masturbation

I had pondering the wisdom of internet dating while doing this work.  Initially I thought I should shut that door while I 'undertake renovations' but I found myself drawn back.  Given that our maladaptive schemas play out so strongly in our intimate relationships, I saw the logic of staying in the game to work though stuff as it gets activated. 

A few weeks ago, a had a couple of first meetings with internet people.  I also got matched up with a colleague by a colleague.  One of the internet ones was vaguely promising, the other was so very not my cup of tea.  Mr Colleague, nice bloke.  However, we were out with a group of people for drinks and after a while I found myself retreating, talking to others, insteading sticking close and turning up the flirt.  He ended up leaving before me.

It took me a good two weeks to work out that I just don't have the psychic energy to engage with potential new boyfriends.  Hell I can't even muster flirtation.  And... I'm as vulnerable as a turtle without its shell.  I spend so much time with my schemas activated that opening myself to the possibility of intimacy is asking for all sorts of trouble. 

Interestingly even after deciding to give up blokes for a while, I kept being drawn back to 'just looking' at the internet dating site.  I felt compelled to browse those pages of men and ponder "maybe he's the one, maybe we'll fall in love".  Like scratching an itch.  Then it dawned on me, that this was my very own emotional masturbation.  Unable to cope with the notion of being alone, without intimacy, I sat in front of the computer and satiated my yearning with the fantasies of potential love.  In technical terms, avoiding my emotional deprivation. 

The upshot is I've stopped.  Gone cold turkey from the site.  That escape hatch is now closed.  

What this lets me do is come to terms with being alone.  To accept my life without intimate love.  To deal with all that this brings up for me.  And learn how to be okay with that, not resigned, but okay. 

letter to my mother

This is an exercise designed to give the inner child a voice.  To ventilate anger and sadness.  Because these emotions keep the wounded child frozen.  The instruction is to write a letter to the parent, sibling or peer who helped cause your schema.  Here is mine.


Mum,


You neglected me when I was a child. Sure you did all the material things - clothe, feed and educate me, but you completely neglected me emotionally.

When I was a baby I needed love and nurturing and you didn’t give it to me. You left me crying. You didn’t cuddle me. You weren’t affectionate. I needed that care and attention and didn’t get it. No wonder I’ve had such problems with anxiety, you didn’t comfort me and you never taught me how to soothe myself. All I felt was the terror of being deserted when I needed comfort. As a baby you taught me that I won’t get what I need. You should have cuddled me every day. Come when I cried, instead of leaving me howling.

Later when my little personality started developing and I wanted to do things my way, you made me do what you wanted. What made you look good. You never let me be myself, you never validated my thoughts and wants. As a consequence I never learned how to be okay about myself. Because you made the true me wrong. How hard would it have been to validate what I wanted and negotiate with me? Teach me that what I thought was important and how to negotiate. These are important life lessons for a child.

You were critical instead of being encouraging. You never championed me, or supported what I wanted. It’s because of you I feel worthless. You’ve also taught me to be critical and this turns people away. These are basic social skills – how to make other people feel comfortable.

I never wanted to put effort into anything or finish anything because it would never be okay.

I never learned how to stand up for myself in a healthy way. I should have learned this from you. Instead you taught me to be passive and weak.

Now, because of what you did, I don’t know how to let someone love me. It feels wrong. This is sick and sad and you’re to blame for it.

I’ve lost the opportunity to be a parent. I was always scared of being too selfish, too much like you. Because of the way you treated me I will never be a mother.

I spent years rebelling against you and everything else in a blind effort to find myself. So much wasted energy. How different things would have been if you had helped me develop a healthy self.

I have so much potential inside me – talent, caring – and it’s gone to waste because of your neglect.

Your youngest daughter

defects and assets #2

These are lists of adult defects and assets.  For the reasons I wrote about in the last post, I'll need to spend some more time thinking back to my child self. 

I had two friends, who understand schema therapy and know what I'm doing, contribute to the assets list.  I'll start with the defects.

DEFECTS
Impatient
Intolerant
Impulsive
Passive aggressive
Procrastinator
Avoidant
Passive
Irritable
Lazy
Rebellious
Judgemental
Critical
Scapegoather
Oversensitive to rejection
Anxious
Self-sabotaging

ASSETS
Smart, intelligent, knowledgeable, analytical
Perceptive
Reflective, insightful
Good listener
Open to experience
Curious
Conscientious
Persistent, determined, focused, committed
Compassionate
Generous
Affectionate
Enthusiastic
Playful, funny, witty, wacky humour
Easy going
Loves throwing a party
Adaptable, practical
Calm under pressure
Supportive, helpful, kind
Loyal
Attractive
Fit, active
Good debater

There my friends is one of my therapy tasks done.  What's most amusing is how long it has taken me to get it down here.  Well over a month.  Procrastinator in action!

defects and assets #1

It has been a couple of weeks since I last wrote.  To be honest I had to give myself a break from prodding my sore spots.  Doing this work brings up so much emotion - sadness, anger, self-loathing, fear.  Some days it takes all my effort to 'put on the happy' to go out into the world. 

But I'm back, to do some more work.  Reviewing the chapter of Reinventing Your Life titled 'How Lifetraps Change', the first three steps are:
1. Label and identify your lifetraps
2. Understand the childhood origin of your lifetrap. Feel the wounded child inside you.
3.  Build a case against your lifetrap. Disprove its validity at a rational level. 

I've done a fair bit of steps 1 and 2 (although I find it funny to refer to them as 'steps' because the processes they entail are so much more complex and demanding than putting one foot in front of the other) so now its time for step 3.  One of the exercises provided for this step is to list your defects and assets as a child and teenager, then list your current defects and assets.

The authors say that people have difficulty doing this, particularly in listing their assets.  That was a problem for me so I took the suggestion of asking friends.  However what was more of a problem was finding anything, positive or negative, to say about myself as a child or teenager.  I've thought about this on and off for weeks and still nothing. 

It takes me back to the realisation that I never really developed a solid sense of identity.  A self that I recognise and value, that I can champion, that I am happy to back, that doesn't fall into oblivion at rejection or failure.  I've spent my life (to quote Stephen Carter) as jello in search of a mould.   It's a frightening realisation because I don't know what to do about it.  How does one, at 45 years of age, discover oneself? Am I starting from scratch or is it all already there, just needing to be exposed and validated? 

Ouch.

On that note, I'm going to retreat into my cave.  Next post will be my asset and defect list.