Doing this work is an emotional rollercoaster. For almost a week I've felt good but the downswing prior was excruciating. One evening after going out to drinks with work colleagues I bottomed out. In the midst of it tried to find words to describe my feelings. The only one I could muster was disgusted.
Disgusted with myself.
Now, feeling fine, I am quite shocked by this. Language gives the experience form. And it seems the form of my feelings was revulsion at myself. How awful that I have been living with well of self-loathing inside. How sad that a long time ago, before I had words, I came to perceive myself this way.
And ever since then I have struggled with this self-designated rotten core.
Now I am finding the words for it. It was a relief to pick up Reinventing Your Life and find someone else's words describing how I felt. Those words have helped me understand... and accept.
Now my experience has a name - defectiveness - and someone is helping me find ways to let it go.
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