emotional masturbation

I had pondering the wisdom of internet dating while doing this work.  Initially I thought I should shut that door while I 'undertake renovations' but I found myself drawn back.  Given that our maladaptive schemas play out so strongly in our intimate relationships, I saw the logic of staying in the game to work though stuff as it gets activated. 

A few weeks ago, a had a couple of first meetings with internet people.  I also got matched up with a colleague by a colleague.  One of the internet ones was vaguely promising, the other was so very not my cup of tea.  Mr Colleague, nice bloke.  However, we were out with a group of people for drinks and after a while I found myself retreating, talking to others, insteading sticking close and turning up the flirt.  He ended up leaving before me.

It took me a good two weeks to work out that I just don't have the psychic energy to engage with potential new boyfriends.  Hell I can't even muster flirtation.  And... I'm as vulnerable as a turtle without its shell.  I spend so much time with my schemas activated that opening myself to the possibility of intimacy is asking for all sorts of trouble. 

Interestingly even after deciding to give up blokes for a while, I kept being drawn back to 'just looking' at the internet dating site.  I felt compelled to browse those pages of men and ponder "maybe he's the one, maybe we'll fall in love".  Like scratching an itch.  Then it dawned on me, that this was my very own emotional masturbation.  Unable to cope with the notion of being alone, without intimacy, I sat in front of the computer and satiated my yearning with the fantasies of potential love.  In technical terms, avoiding my emotional deprivation. 

The upshot is I've stopped.  Gone cold turkey from the site.  That escape hatch is now closed.  

What this lets me do is come to terms with being alone.  To accept my life without intimate love.  To deal with all that this brings up for me.  And learn how to be okay with that, not resigned, but okay.