activated

It’s fair to say I’m feeling shite. Last night I was even having those (hypothetical) thoughts about cutting myself. I can’t remember having these thoughts since I was a teenager maybe twenties. That was back in the days when self harm wasn’t even fashionable, I’d never even heard of anyone else doing it. I think I only ever acted on them once, scratching with a safety pin. Nonetheless they’re indicative that my emotional state is reasonably fragile.
I’m feeling let down by my friends. I want support, holding, but noone seems to get that. Maybe it’s because I don’t let them know what I need. Although on Thursday I said to a friend “I’m having a life crisis” but she didn’t follow it up with a query as to whether I was okay. I hear the sound of emotional deprivation! Although now I think about it, a dear friend of 30 years duration said to me only a week ago that she’d like to be able to give me more support and that I should ask her when I need it. I could be partly perpetuating the feeling of deprivation by discounting the support on offer and by expecting people to read my mind about what I need from them.
I’m also very conscious that I’ve had falling outs with a couple of long term friends and am pretty down on myself about those aka I’m a bad person aka Defectiveness.
So my core schemas are pretty well activated at the moment. The trick is to manage myself while I’m feeling this way. Keep mindful that in this state I’m at risk of acting out some of my classic schema driven behaviours. I also need to be kind to myself, use the schema modes model and get my Healthy Adult supporting my vulnerable child (who can flip into Angry Child all too easily).