It has been a couple of weeks since I last wrote. To be honest I had to give myself a break from prodding my sore spots. Doing this work brings up so much emotion - sadness, anger, self-loathing, fear. Some days it takes all my effort to 'put on the happy' to go out into the world.
But I'm back, to do some more work. Reviewing the chapter of Reinventing Your Life titled 'How Lifetraps Change', the first three steps are:
1. Label and identify your lifetraps
2. Understand the childhood origin of your lifetrap. Feel the wounded child inside you.
3. Build a case against your lifetrap. Disprove its validity at a rational level.
I've done a fair bit of steps 1 and 2 (although I find it funny to refer to them as 'steps' because the processes they entail are so much more complex and demanding than putting one foot in front of the other) so now its time for step 3. One of the exercises provided for this step is to list your defects and assets as a child and teenager, then list your current defects and assets.
The authors say that people have difficulty doing this, particularly in listing their assets. That was a problem for me so I took the suggestion of asking friends. However what was more of a problem was finding anything, positive or negative, to say about myself as a child or teenager. I've thought about this on and off for weeks and still nothing.
It takes me back to the realisation that I never really developed a solid sense of identity. A self that I recognise and value, that I can champion, that I am happy to back, that doesn't fall into oblivion at rejection or failure. I've spent my life (to quote Stephen Carter) as jello in search of a mould. It's a frightening realisation because I don't know what to do about it. How does one, at 45 years of age, discover oneself? Am I starting from scratch or is it all already there, just needing to be exposed and validated?
Ouch.
On that note, I'm going to retreat into my cave. Next post will be my asset and defect list.
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