Wednesday, September 15, 2010

letter to my mother

This is an exercise designed to give the inner child a voice.  To ventilate anger and sadness.  Because these emotions keep the wounded child frozen.  The instruction is to write a letter to the parent, sibling or peer who helped cause your schema.  Here is mine.


Mum,


You neglected me when I was a child. Sure you did all the material things - clothe, feed and educate me, but you completely neglected me emotionally.

When I was a baby I needed love and nurturing and you didn’t give it to me. You left me crying. You didn’t cuddle me. You weren’t affectionate. I needed that care and attention and didn’t get it. No wonder I’ve had such problems with anxiety, you didn’t comfort me and you never taught me how to soothe myself. All I felt was the terror of being deserted when I needed comfort. As a baby you taught me that I won’t get what I need. You should have cuddled me every day. Come when I cried, instead of leaving me howling.

Later when my little personality started developing and I wanted to do things my way, you made me do what you wanted. What made you look good. You never let me be myself, you never validated my thoughts and wants. As a consequence I never learned how to be okay about myself. Because you made the true me wrong. How hard would it have been to validate what I wanted and negotiate with me? Teach me that what I thought was important and how to negotiate. These are important life lessons for a child.

You were critical instead of being encouraging. You never championed me, or supported what I wanted. It’s because of you I feel worthless. You’ve also taught me to be critical and this turns people away. These are basic social skills – how to make other people feel comfortable.

I never wanted to put effort into anything or finish anything because it would never be okay.

I never learned how to stand up for myself in a healthy way. I should have learned this from you. Instead you taught me to be passive and weak.

Now, because of what you did, I don’t know how to let someone love me. It feels wrong. This is sick and sad and you’re to blame for it.

I’ve lost the opportunity to be a parent. I was always scared of being too selfish, too much like you. Because of the way you treated me I will never be a mother.

I spent years rebelling against you and everything else in a blind effort to find myself. So much wasted energy. How different things would have been if you had helped me develop a healthy self.

I have so much potential inside me – talent, caring – and it’s gone to waste because of your neglect.

Your youngest daughter

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